I think I have to write this. I have to express my self. Eventhough it is quite late. But anyway..

Actually, my mind had been under high tension since June. The pressure kept building up. I tried to handle everything by myself and kept trying to stay positive. But finally, the peak point came.

Once upon a night in August, my brain reached its limit. On that day, afternoon, my supervisor was really angry with me. He asked for some data, but I could not show it. The data was actually handled by another student. I called him many times, but he did not answer. Still, it was not fully his fault. It was mine. I should have learned everything faster.

After my professor got angry, I cried. It was the most exhausting week I had ever had this year. I had to finish several tasks at almost the same time. I was fighting for my family, my job, my research, and my friendships all at once. I could not believe it. Almost four days without proper sleep felt like torture.

That night, by coincidence, I met the student who handled the data. I did not want to take him away from some friends since he had invited them, so I just followed him until the end. But things got worse. Some misunderstanding happened. I tried to handle everything calmly, even though I was under high tension because of what happened earlier. I tried to hide my emotions, but in the end, I completely “shut down.” My body felt overheated, overwhelmed.

I am really sorry for everything that happened.

The next day, I immediately booked a flight to Malaysia, not for vacation, but to escape from Taiwan for a while. Also, one of my uncles was in the hospital, so I needed to go there too. I spent almost a week in Malaysia, sleeping most of the time, just resting before flying to another country for some meetings with some people.

Until now, my body has not fully recovered. I still feel like I am in a “shutting-down” state. I hope I can come back stronger and bring myself back to a normal condition.

Actually, I do not want to mix my personal feelings with my job, but sometimes hard to control. When everything happens at the same time, it becomes difficult to separate them. I tried to stay professional, but I am still human. I make mistakes, and I feel them deeply.

Also, I wish I could say sorry for the misunderstanding. I hope everything can be communicated, not from zero, but from where we are now. I am truly sorry. I just do not know how to start it. I feel deeply guilty inside my heart, and I feel so ashamed. I truly feel ashamed, even just to open a new text.

Finally, at this moment, it only ends up here on this blog. I really want to open a new text, a new conversation, but the guilt and the shame keep there..