Sometimes I wonder if I’m still sane.
It feels like every day just goes in the same circle: wake up, open the laptop, open the research file, try again, fail again.
Repeat.
Until I do not even know how many times I have written “retry” in the work folder.

Everyone sees me as if I am in control, understanding what I am doing, knowing where my research is heading.
But inside my head, it is just noisy.
Error codes, strange data, unreasonable simulation results, and the guilt every time time passes without any result.

Even sleep feels like a formality.
The body lies down, but the mind keeps working.
In the middle of the night, ideas come only to make me even more confused.
Sometimes I think maybe this is how the universe tests how strong someone can hold on before finally breaking down.

It is not that I am not trying.
I have been 24/7 in front of the screen, looking for answers, finding gaps, finding meaning from all of this.
But the more I search, the more it disappears.
Until finally I realized: maybe what is missing is not the result, but myself.

Turns out, behind all the graphs, scripts, and data, there is a human who can also get tired.
Can get frustrated.
Can feel small in a system that does not care how many times you have tried.

Today, I failed in my research, even though I have been fighting for it for a whole month. SH*TTTTT

I am tired. I am so tired. I want to disappear from this world!!!!!!!!!!!

But in the middle of my frustration, when I really needed help, there was someone showed up.
Someone I call jiejie, a kind and caring big sister.

She appeared when I was completely lost in my failure,
and somehow her presence reminded me that kindness still exists in the middle of exhaustion.
A good-hearted sister who made me believe that even in the darkest time, there is still light that reaches quietly.

Again, thanks Jiejie!!!!!!